I’m sure you’ve heard about Onaapo Bitters before. I know you have because I had the occasion to discuss its potency in this very column. I will refresh your mind, in case you’ve forgotten.
It is an open secret that the flurry of punches that sent Zu-za crashing to the ground on December 7, 2016 had caused a lot of damage. We all saw the facial cuts, the copious nose-bleeding and the puffy face before Referee Charlotte Osei counted Zu-za out in the tenth round. But what we could not tell was the extent of damage.
Fortunately for them, the defeat gave birth to an effective herbal concoction christened “Onaapo Bitters”. The concoction served as a catalyst to speed up their healing process. It is a herbal potion with 44.4% alcoholic concentration. It has been on the market for only eighteen months, but its efficacy can be felt and seen by all and sundry.
Onaapo Bitters purges the system and thus serves as a purgative. The slimming effect is immediate. After taking only a few doses of the potion, all could see the effect on President Ogwanfunu. The puffy-looking President Ogwanfunu had lost weight and was a pale shadow of himself. Not even his wry smile could hide the visible sad lines on his face and the pain deep within.
The wonder potion also acts as a hallucinogen. It makes people hallucinate and puts them in a state of nirvana. In the case of President Ogwanfunu, the concoction had given him the phantom feeling that his soon-to-end reign as president on January 7, 2017 could be extended. It therefore gave him a false sense of security which made him go round singing the chorus, “I’ve got the power.” It was the reason we all saw him making all the last-minute appointments.
Eighteen months on, the hallucinogenic effect of the Onaapo Bitters could still be perceived from his sayings and actions. He is heard in one breath accepting his party’s humiliating defeat and taking responsibility for it. He even goes further to say the Bearded Old Man above made them lose so his party’s record could be compared to that of their main political opponents.
In yet another breath, he disagrees that his party lost the 2016 polls. He postulates the funny theory that the Great Elephant rigged the polls, because there was no way the eagle-headed Umbrella could have lost. He even goes further to charge his party folks to resist any rigging attempts in the upcoming 2020 polls.
He is obviously confused. Either it is tramadol induced or he is exhibiting hallucinogenic effects of Onaapo Bitters. But we know the latter is the case because he religiously consumes the Onaapo Bitters.
Am I worried? Yes, I am. I am worried that a person who hallucinates is seeking to occupy the highest throne of the land. With his inability to resist bribe when tempted, the combine effect with Onaapo Bitters will be very disastrous for this country.
Of course, he may win the internal flagbearership contest of his party. After all, majority of them also consume the Onaapo Bitters and are most likely to be under its hallucinogenic effect as well. But he will not be able to hoodwink me and my compatriots to vote him back to the presidential throne because we know better. Yes, we were once fooled by him; but not again!
I’m also told that Onaapo Bitters also serves as a sleeping tonic. It makes them feel drowsy and compels them to recoil into their shells for a peaceful sleep. It is so strong a potion that only a dosage could make one sleep over 72 hours without any interruption. No wonder the likes of Kojo Twum Boafo, Omane Boamah and James Agyenim Boaten have gone to sleep for 18 moons and counting.
Abusuapanin, have you per chance heard General Ntomtom speak recently? And did you notice a change in his tone? If yes, then do not doubt me when I tell you it is the potency of almighty Onaapo Bitters at work!
See you next week for another interesting konkonsa, Deo volente!
By Agya Kwaku Ogboro